Well....I finally opened my Etsy shop. Little Rae's Design has 3 little dresses for sale. I can hardly believe that after all of my sewing and all of my work, I have only THREE dresses! I probably have 15 that are sewn and sit just one button away from completion. I have pictures of 4 others that need to be thought through a bit more. I probably have enough fabric to make 50 dresses! But I can't buckle down and spend the time on it. I gave up several evenings to finally put the shop up and, frankly, I missed my other activities. I would usually be cleaning my house (which sadly, I really enjoy), working out while watching hockey (another rather strange indulgence of mine), or just reading and celebrating the freedom that surrounds me when kids are in bed and all is quiet. It is rather frustrating to just not have enough time to do what I really want to do.
Maybe it is less about time and more about confidence. I know deep down that we can always make time to do the things we really want to do. If we don't do them, we must not really want it. Like people who say they don't have time to work out. You do have time - at least - as much time as any other human on the planet who exercises. But we fill that time with other things that are more important to us, or easier for us. So the fact that it took me so many years to launch the store speaks volumes about what I really WANT to do and how I really feel about my sewing ability.
One thing I love about sewing is the opportunity to create something lovely out of nothing. I am a wonderful seamstress - I can admit that. I can follow a pattern to the letter and produce a perfect product. Once I no longer have a pattern, or a framework, I am lost....and it shows. I refused to use Etsy to sell someone else's pattern, someone else's idea. But my very own patterns and ideas just don't seem - well - good enough. I see all of these truly creative things on Etsy and I lose any sort of interest in presenting my own stuff. I read a quote the other day that has really stuck with me and seems to ring very true for my current dilemma...."Be yourself - - everyone else is already taken." I guess I can't argue with that.
My world is very upside down these days. Moving across the country has disrupted every part of me, inside and out. My physical surroundings changed but I changed inside, too. I told my husband that this move felt like I had a broken heart. A constant ache and longing for what could have, would have, should have been. I don't expect much sympathy. We moved from one lovely suburb and home to another just as lovely suburb and home. I have friends on both coasts now. We are exploring and learning and doing and smiling, each and every day. I thought sewing and launching the shop would make me feel better....give me something more to look forward to. Having sewing goals that allowed me to spend extended time with my sewing machine and supplies, who are like old friends, would heal some wounds. Unfortunately, the opposite is starting to happen. The more I sew, the less I want to sew. The more I sew, the less I want to be here and the more I long for things I had before. The more I sew, the less confident I feel. If I can't even produce a few cute dresses how can I possibly expect to fit in and be happy? Must sound rather silly...so I'll leave it at that. Regardless of how I feel, the shop is open and I reached one of my goals for 2015 already. That feels nice. Now if I could just lose those pesky love handles....